Our oldest but littlest boy Grayson has an obsession for searching, reaching, finding reassurance that his mama is still near. Only weeks into his placement in our home, he began hugging me once an hour, eventually every half hour, then an obsession of hugs each time his eyes caught mine. Soon after he felt even more comfortable in our home he began adding an, ‘I love you.’ As a new mom to boys (woah are they different from girls (!)) to a toddler and seven month old baby, the hugs and constant need to touch his new caregiver, did not melt my heart like I so wished it would. I was overwhelmed, exhausted and weary over this sudden foster/adoption decision. And yes looking back on this time brings such heartache. He needed me desperately and he finally found his person and although I obliged the hugs and response of ‘I love you back,’ my heart was just not yet fully his.
This sweet boy of mine was just two and half when we buckled his tiny body into our new, what seemed dangerously large front facing car seat. Since his first birthday and possibly before, he knew abandonment and a revolving door of women/foster mothers. He craved a mother’s touch, reassurance that she would still be near and never leave his side. Today he is a growing, thriving, brilliant five and a half year old boy. He requires less reassurance and hugs but when he does I take the time to pull him in close and melt into his tiny sweet embrace. As I’m typing this entry Grayson with his kindled movie and earphones, squeezes close to his mommy, reaches for my arm and without looking from his Trolls movie, says softly, I love you. It’s the little moments like these in the life of adoption where we see Jesus. He never fails in reminding us that He’s got this situation, although exhausting and emotional, and He is healing our children (and us) from the inside out.
If you feel that no one is within reach to give you that reassurance, comfort that you are not alone, close your eyes and realize Jesus is your person. Your heart may ache for someone to lean against and feel comforted. Reach out to Jesus. He is but a thought and whisper away. Holy Spirit come, fill the weary mama’s soul today, tap her on the arm and speak of your never ending love for her. Wrap her in your warm embrace and revive her hurting soul. Thank you Father for your reassurance, provision and for never failing to give us the grace and energy to face tomorrow, another day in sharing our arms, hearts and homes for You. Amen.